WHY!?!?!

As I am reading the book "In the Name of Jesus" by Henri J.M. Nouwen, I am finding myself asking so many questions, and after referencing back to scripture, I find my self asking WHY!?!?! Not just why, but WHY!?!?! Picture a man holding his only child that just died in his arms, screaming to the heights of the heavens, WHY!?!?!?! Please rest assured that I am in no way questioning God, in no way am I screaming at or cursing the heavens. I am simply having a very firm, loud, and aggressive chat with my inner-self. Some people call this Schizophrenia; they are clearly not saved. In the past weeks, I have found my self searching ever so deeply and passionately for answers. Who am I and where am I going? How will I get there? How long will it take? If we are commanded to go two by two, who will go with me?



These questions are surfacing so quickly. Now, I am wondering where all of this came from. Did one tiny book spark all of this??? WHY haven't I asked these questions before? WHY have I been so stagnate in my faith? WHY has this taken so long? WHY am I so dumb? Why cant I just follow and love my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength? I know that I am at fault, me and me alone. I am tempted by my own evil desire, dragged away, and enticed.(James 1:14) I have been stuck in a rut for the last few years. I go to a job every day for a paycheck, I surround myself with people that do not know me, let alone love me. I put man before God every day and for what? For MONEY!?!? It's disgusting, really. Now I am ready for a change, but why now? Nouwen wrote a lot of things in this book that made me think. The first really describes how I am feeling: "I was living in a very dark place and the term 'burnout' was a convenient psychological translation for a spiritual death." WOW, it's hard to hear, isn't it? I believe that it is 100% true. So sad.





I have been praying so much recently but to say that I have been CONSTANT in contemplative prayer is false. The book of John made me think a lot in chapter 21, verse 15. As Jesus is reinstating Peter, Jesus asks peter if he loves him, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. Peter was hurt by this and tells Jesus on the third time, "Jesus, You know all things, You know that I love you". Jesus gave him a very important task. "Feed my sheep" and then in verse 18, Jesus says "I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."





I need to keep the child-like faith and be in CONSTANT contemplative prayer, dwelling in the presence of the One who keeps asking us, "Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?" I know that the enemy will never subside, but if I dress myself in the armor of God everyday, I will go where my shepherd leads, I will not be led astray.





I still have many questions about my future but oh, how comforting are the words from Jesus himself in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."



Dear God,

Thank you so much for Your word. Thank you for allowing me to listen, to search, and to receive it. I am so sorry that I am disgusting and sinful and led astray by all of these worldly pleasures. I am so sorry for my worldly ambition and my greed. You are the one that I want Jesus, You alone. Nothing else matters unless I have you in my heart and my mind ALWAYS. I thank You so much for my salvation, I thank You for the people in my life, whom You have placed individually for great reason. I thank You so much! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, and I want to go wherever You send me. Thank You Father for all of this.

In Your Awesome Name

Amen.

A date with Lila Rose

I was recently invited to a group discussion called "Theology on Tap" in Dixon, Ca. My friend Jeff is one of the leaders of the group and thought that I might like it. I was hesitant at first, only because of the distance. When he told me that the subject on this night was Abortion, I knew that I had to be there. After all, I AM a volunteer for a "Life-Alternative"(Pro-life) pregnancy center. I started volunteering for Alternatives Pregnancy Center just a month or two prior to this event. I wanted to volunteer to give the center a man that they could count on for all of the dirty work, or data entry (I am really good at data entry). So, once a week(when possible) I volunteer a couple hours of my monday.


Lila Rose was the key note speaker at Theology on Tap that night. Recently, you may have seen her on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, or any other media organization. She is the Awesome young woman who founded Live Action. A little bit about them:

WHO WE ARE: We are a youth led movement dedicated to building a culture of life and ending abortion, the greatest human rights injustice of our time. We use new media to educate the public about the humanity of the unborn and investigative journalism to expose threats against the vulnerable and defenseless.





You can find out more about her and her mission and how she started at: http://liveaction.org/lilarose





Hearing her story made me think A LOT. She started Live Action when she was 15! Her organization started off with her and one other person. She is now 22 years old and Live Action has grown to now have several chapters in California. Not only did it put an emphises on why I volunteer for Alternatives, it lit a fire under my rear end. This awesome 22 year old(one year younger than I) has done so much for the kingdom.


Here I am, working for a paycheck at a car dealership where I help people in such superficial ways. "Yes sir, I am sorry that your car is taking an extra hour to be repaired, please take this coupon for a free car wash and come in any time", or "yes ma'am, I understand that you are frustrated that you have to pay for a quart of oil because your oil level is low, once you purchase it, I will put it in for you, myself, free of charge and we will give you a free car wash, all better?". I still go to work with a good attitude and a smile on my face. I still try to look like God's image at work, but how is any of this glorifying God? He has been calling me, scratch that, Screaming at me for a while, telling me to do something! Wanting me to do what He wants me to do, not what I want me to do. I NEED a change, I NEED to help people, I NEED to save lives. So, how will I do this. I am at an awesome point in my life where I can honestly say I haven't a clue. Now is my time to put it in His hands and let Him work in me.





Seeing the work that Alternatives Pregnancy Center does, seeing the impact that they have on so many lives, seeing the amount of lives they save has given me a passion, a heart to help. Whether it be Painting walls, talking to men and pastors about LIFE, or entering data. I will do it with the strength and the will that God has provided me. I don't want to be successful on this earth, I want to be significant in God's eyes and be welcomed with open arms by Jesus as he carries me, cloaked by his robe into the Kingdom.





In a way, Lila Rose didn't teach me anything, God did. He just used a beautiful vessel to speak to me. One in which I hope to meet again, either on this earth or in Heaven, when we are walking with our Lord.