WHY!?!?!

As I am reading the book "In the Name of Jesus" by Henri J.M. Nouwen, I am finding myself asking so many questions, and after referencing back to scripture, I find my self asking WHY!?!?! Not just why, but WHY!?!?! Picture a man holding his only child that just died in his arms, screaming to the heights of the heavens, WHY!?!?!?! Please rest assured that I am in no way questioning God, in no way am I screaming at or cursing the heavens. I am simply having a very firm, loud, and aggressive chat with my inner-self. Some people call this Schizophrenia; they are clearly not saved. In the past weeks, I have found my self searching ever so deeply and passionately for answers. Who am I and where am I going? How will I get there? How long will it take? If we are commanded to go two by two, who will go with me?



These questions are surfacing so quickly. Now, I am wondering where all of this came from. Did one tiny book spark all of this??? WHY haven't I asked these questions before? WHY have I been so stagnate in my faith? WHY has this taken so long? WHY am I so dumb? Why cant I just follow and love my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength? I know that I am at fault, me and me alone. I am tempted by my own evil desire, dragged away, and enticed.(James 1:14) I have been stuck in a rut for the last few years. I go to a job every day for a paycheck, I surround myself with people that do not know me, let alone love me. I put man before God every day and for what? For MONEY!?!? It's disgusting, really. Now I am ready for a change, but why now? Nouwen wrote a lot of things in this book that made me think. The first really describes how I am feeling: "I was living in a very dark place and the term 'burnout' was a convenient psychological translation for a spiritual death." WOW, it's hard to hear, isn't it? I believe that it is 100% true. So sad.





I have been praying so much recently but to say that I have been CONSTANT in contemplative prayer is false. The book of John made me think a lot in chapter 21, verse 15. As Jesus is reinstating Peter, Jesus asks peter if he loves him, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. Peter was hurt by this and tells Jesus on the third time, "Jesus, You know all things, You know that I love you". Jesus gave him a very important task. "Feed my sheep" and then in verse 18, Jesus says "I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go."





I need to keep the child-like faith and be in CONSTANT contemplative prayer, dwelling in the presence of the One who keeps asking us, "Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?" I know that the enemy will never subside, but if I dress myself in the armor of God everyday, I will go where my shepherd leads, I will not be led astray.





I still have many questions about my future but oh, how comforting are the words from Jesus himself in Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."



Dear God,

Thank you so much for Your word. Thank you for allowing me to listen, to search, and to receive it. I am so sorry that I am disgusting and sinful and led astray by all of these worldly pleasures. I am so sorry for my worldly ambition and my greed. You are the one that I want Jesus, You alone. Nothing else matters unless I have you in my heart and my mind ALWAYS. I thank You so much for my salvation, I thank You for the people in my life, whom You have placed individually for great reason. I thank You so much! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, and I want to go wherever You send me. Thank You Father for all of this.

In Your Awesome Name

Amen.